DAY SEVEN

My final day of fasting was broken by our communion service at CBC. The first food that I was able to ingest was bread and the wine reminding me that at the cost of Christ I am satiated. By his body and by His blood I am free - free to eat and enjoy the life He has given me as a gift and free from the consequences of my sin which were magnified before me this week.

After the service, I was really looking forward to just jumping in with both feet and have a super gorge fest or something. I really didn't have a plan to re-enter the world of eating; I just knew it was going to be on a massive scale (think Cookie Monster with crumbs flying everywhere and a blur of food being devoured.) God had other plans, both for physical and spiritual reasons. Physically, it would not have been wise to do that to my body and I doubt it would have received it well, so at lunch I ate very little. My plan was to really chow down at a BBQ I was invited to that night (I had previously been invited to three others during the week - this one I could actually eat at) but by the time I got there which was late the food was gone! God is awesome - He protects me from myself at every turn and shows me His love in such practical ways. The next day fasting had become such a habit, that around 3 PM I realized I still hadn't eaten, but that I could! So it was a slow and deliberate process of beginning to eat again.

Spiritually, my slow re-entry reflects how we are to live. We are in freedom because of our forgiven state, but do we use that freedom to satiate our lusts? 1 Cor 6:1 says "God forbid!" We live deliberately, enjoying the life God gives us but not consuming to our lusts to our own harm and the destruction of our testimony.

Okay, so what did I learn through this process? Some of it is too personal for a public blog, but I can share that the things God gave me in return are so rich and powerful that I will be making this a regularly scheduled event in my life.

First, my sin nature was magnified during this time. I not only saw myself in a more transparent way, but my lust of food and other things was heightened to the point where I could not justify it or ignore it. I just had to deal with it and appreciate my salvation all the more. Christ truly is increased when we are decreased in our perspective.

Second, I not only had a truer understanding of myself, but a better appreciation for Jesus. He did this fasting thing for a lot longer than I did. I honestly can't imagine how he did it - no vitamins, no air-conditioning, no technology, just the wilderness and water - incredible! He was a man's man. His physical capacity for pain is beyond my experience, and the fact that He directed that toward me in love at the cross is a beautiful model for my life to be poured out for others.

Finally, it taught me discipline. Learning about it in a Bible study is a joke. We all know the definition, the key texts involved, and the practical applications, but there are some things that can never be fully appreciated in just a sermon. Indescribable -- that is most of our Christian experience! And yet we still try to talk it to death. Maybe that's why we get stuck; we're not willing to live it out, we just want to keep learnin' about it. Guilty. Until I experienced this spiritual discipline of fasting and praying, I could never fully understand it. I have renewed appreciation for Jesus, renewed confidence that in His strength I can accomplish my mission, and a new perspective on some issues that I gratefully received from a loving God.

SATURDAY NIGHT

I took a nap this afternoon, which means now I'm not tired but still very very weak. I am having a hard time concentrating though I was told that fasting sharpens your mind. Hmmm . . . not mine. Reasons don't matter now. This is just simply a commitment. I desire for God to speak to me through this, and He has, but that no longer is the primary purpose. It started out being the most important thing, and tomorrow I will share some of the incredible insights God is giving me and some things that could never have been learned any other way. But for right now, it's just simply commitment.

Sometimes, the only reason we serve God, the only reason we are on time to work, the only reason we don't steal when the opportunity is flawless, the only reason we are faithful to our wives . . . is commitment. Commitment to obedience. It's not blind obedience, but it's not all-knowing either which means it is obedience without promise, without reward, and without reason. So God has revealed to me that my fast ends tomorrow, and I'm not looking for any great revelation or spiritual experience that I can say made this all worth while. Instead, I am basking in the hope of a recovery and healing for my body that is badly needed, and the confidence that I can obey. If I can do this, there is no excuse for giving in to any of my sins. No, I'm not expecting perfection now (HA!) - it actually helps me understand my sinfulness more. I have had the ability and will always have the ability to say no to the gods I serve over Jesus. This past week I've put no food into my mouth. In my future I do not ever have to sin. But I will. There is no room for justifying it - it will always be pure rebellion. The ability to not sin, but the willfulness to do it anyway, makes me nothing but a reprobate. I appreciate the love of Jesus even more now. His grace is truly, amazing.

So you also, when you have done all that you were commanded, say, ‘We are unworthy servants; we have only done what was our duty. Luke 17:10

DAY SIX

Ok, it's no longer interesting; it's no longer cool; it's no longer mysterious, fun, or even spiritual. It is just mind-numbing. Hard to think of anything else. Yesterday, I pretty much sat around lethargically and felt miserable. I didn't feel spiritual or close to God or anything but weak. Today I have enough energy to blog, but now that the novelty is gone, it is much more than making a statement to the Lord of devotion, it is now about weakness. It has gone from being about me and what I can do (or not eat) to what God is speaking to me about. He speaks most clearly when we are weak.

2 Cor 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

DAY FOUR

It's been four days without food (no smoothies, today). I was invited to work out again, I jumped on our trampoline with the kids, and played in the playoffs for our softball league. Three catches in the outfield (one snowcone catch in the last inning) three hits and a WIN! How do I celebrate? Take the four kids to get some ice-cream. After just an orange juice and tea diet today, it was hard to watch. Earlier in the day, my Emma came up to me and waved a bread stick under my nose and asked me to eat it with her. Hot Bread is probably the greatest temptation to anyone who is fasting. So here are my two epiphanies today.

First of all, I've learned God is real. I know that seems very simplistic, but whether you've just met Him, or you've been to seminary and are now 41, we all have doubts. Not that we'd verbalize it, but every sin is a doubt: a doubt that you'll get caught, a doubt that God sees, and a doubt that there will be consequences. Fasting is very personal. Not many know (I think three people total), and if I wanted to cheat, it would be easy. I could go to the kitchen right now and make my famous brownie mix. I don't cook it, I just eat it . . . the whole thing. My gluttony doesn't show (thanks metabolism) and the three people would never find out. So why keep going? I have no idea when this fast will end; I suspect it will be after I "get it" whatever "it" is. But until then, the only reason to keep going is that God is real. I am reminded on a minute to minute basis that God is watching. My lust for food is constant, but God is real. Because He is, I must keep my commitment to Him simply out of love for a real and living God. This has increased my faith amazingly. Why would I sin in word or deed when God is real? My doubts are decreasing with every hour of my fast.

Secondly, there is a direct answer to prayer that I am experiencing every day. I asked for strength and will power and I have received both. There are many times during the day (actually right now) when I can honestly say, I am not hungry. I am unsettled in my stomach and I'm weaker than normal, but I'm satiated. I actually feel really good right now (maybe it's the softball game win), but I'm wondering when the real pain sets in. Hmmm, maybe tomorrow, I'd better not get too cocky.

So God is good! He answers prayer for strength and discipline, and He is proving Himself more and more real to me. That would be enough to make all of this worth while, but I know that there is more. I won't quit until I find out what that is.

DAY THREE

I've gone three days with no food. I feel God is really putting me to the test. In the last three days I've had two discipleship lunches, and a guy in our church asked me to work out with him. After the work out I had a church softball game to play. Then of course tonight was our church picnic in the park - an outreach to our community complete with hotdogs and burgers and everything that goes with it. I justified getting a strawberry banana smoothie from Dairy Queen after the work out, and tonight after the 98 degree weather so that I wouldn't faint. But I still feel guilty about it, so I think the Lord is telling me to stick with the true liquids. I have a multi-vitamin every morning, but I can feel already the weakness coming on. When Jesus fasted, he had no vitamins, smoothies, or airconditioning: just the wilderness and Himself.

I think I might be understanding the true reason for all this. I want to show God how important He is to me, and how hungry I am for Him. I desire for Him to speak to me, and fasting somehow relates to that. Maybe, though, the reality of how this all works is through death. As my body is dying (I swear I can feel my organs shutting down) and I become more "light headed" and lethargic, I do feel this "out of body experience" that is more physical than spiritual. But the two are related - the further from my body I get, the more the reality of the spiritual and even who God is - gets closer. By closer, I just mean more real. My priorities focus, and I just feel closer to the next world the further from health I am in this one. Not that I'm really dying, but I'm definitely quickening the process. If I didn't eat at all, I truly would be in God's presence in a just a few short months.

So I'm reminded on a minute by minute basis of God. My body won't let me forget why I'm doing this . . . seeking God's direction and voice.

DAY ONE

As pastor of CBC, I've called for a two week fast for direction and guidance for our church. There are two types of fasts: public and private. This is a public one that is corporate in nature to bond us in unity as we seek together the face of God for our church in a way that humbles us and demonstrates the passion that we have to meet with Jesus.

Because it is a public fast, I will deal with the ramifications of it publicly in this blog.

As I type, my hands are shaking, my fingertips are numb, and the keys are heavy. I took a nap and am still weary. It has only been twelve hours since I've stopped eating, and I can't believe the affect it's had on me. I had no idea how hard it would be, but it's still exciting to know that I can do it for however long the Lord leads me to do it (right now it's day to day - no idea when I'm supposed to stop.) I'm embracing the moment and for now am sticking with it. In return, I'm expecting wisdom and a sense of who God is in a different way. I'm looking forward to taking my relationship with Him to a different level - not in a way of gnostic mysticism, but just simply perspective. I think I really need this.